In the realm of Gen Z dating, terms like “attachment style”, “love bombing”, and “breadcrumbing” have turned romance into a nuanced game of strategy and survival.
Social media and dating apps have not only buoyed long-existing dating trends like ghosting, but they also have created unique circumstances for love seekers to contend with. The most recent: orbiting.
Benjamin Camras, who is known as “The Flirt Coach” to his 262,000 followers on TikTok, defines orbiting as a phenomenon when a past lover, ex, fling, or even romantic interest remains connected with you on the Internet but has stopped directly engaging.
“One or both of you are observing one another, so you’re watching each other’s stories, you’re looking at posts, but you’re not really leaving that digital footprint, other than the views that can be registered,” Camras told Fortune. “You’re not exactly liking, you’re not exactly commenting or sliding into the DMs, you’re just sort of there.”
If you’ve connected with a lover on social media, chances are you’ve experienced orbiting, Camras said. While the experience is common, and not inherently negative, he’s noticed that it causes anxiety in many younger people who are trying to read the tea leaves.
However, at least one dating app – Hinge – is capitalising on this trend, and trying to understand why online dating for Gen Z can be so fraught.
To older generations accustomed to relying solely on landline phone calls to connect with a date, the concept of fixating on someone’s online behaviour may seem absurd. However, for a typical Gen Z dater who has grown up immersed in digital communication, social media norms have shaped their perceptions.
For instance, younger individuals may interpret a delay in texting as a lack of interest, and might even intentionally withhold responses to appear aloof or mysterious.
It’s one of the most common questions Camras gets as a younger relationship coach: Someone goes on a great first date, and then, leading up to the second date, they notice distancing.
“They’re pulling away a little bit, but they’re still watching your stories, so then you send them a DM and they don’t respond, but they’re still active online, and you can see their Snapchat score go up,” he said. At the end of the day, however, these signals don’t add up to productive information.
Sabrina Zohar, a viral online relationship coach with nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok, agreed, arguing that social media features have led many young people to delude themselves with signals that aren’t meaningful.
Tracking someone’s activity stimulates a “dopamine drop and cortisol high”, causing young people to become obsessed with creating narratives that aren’t rooted in reality, she emphasised.
Analysing digital body language
The pressure of understanding and responding to these cues has become overwhelming for Gen Zers, who now shun dating apps as inauthentic. In response, apps like Hinge have tried to understand the digital age’s new and complex forms of communication.
Hinge in February referenced “digital body language” in a new D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends, and Expertise) report, which studied Gen Z’s dating habits. This “digital body language” refers to the kind of signals Camras and Zohar spoke about: “emojis, punctuation, message length, and response time”. These are the subtle, nonverbal cues daters give.
While these forms of communication (or lack thereof) may seem trivial, the report’s data suggests that it matters.
Two out of three Hinge daters say they look at message response time to determine if someone they’re talking to is serious about going out, according to the study. Three out of four say that initiating a conversation is a clear sign of interest.
The Hinge report indulges Gen Zers in analysing digital body language. For example, the report explains what it means if a Hinge match asks to move your conversation to a different messaging app (the report says this could be a “sign of interest”), or if they send memes but haven’t scheduled a date (it “doesn’t tell you much about what the person is thinking in the relationship”).
The pivot toward appealing to younger generations is necessary for dating apps. However, it could also be a sign that social media applications are beginning to understand the psychological effects they have had on young adults.
People in love have always been obsessive, Zohar said. But now the tools to keep someone in a cycle of limerance are abundant.
“You get excited when you post that story. You can’t wait to see if (your crush) sees it, and then they don’t reach out, and you’re back on that loop again, of what else can I do to get this person’s attention?” Zohar said.
“You’re trying to control other people, but what we need to start doing is bringing it internally, and say, ‘If it doesn’t feel good that this person is orbiting you, set some boundaries’.” – Fortune.com/The New York Times